This is a tough time of the year for the majority of professional hockey players. Eight teams joined the fabulous fourteen this past week after being eliminated from the NHL playoffs, leaving them to feel like engineering students at the U of A: lowly and dejected. According to reports by a spurious local news agency in the Ottawa region, the Senator’s Patrick Lalime apparently tried to take his own life by standing on a set of train tracks nearby a neighboring town, with his back to the train and his Hanson CD blaring in his headphones ensuring that he would not see, nor hear the train coming. Witnesses driving by said that Lalime began to kick and scream violently when the 25-box CN train rolled right through his legs, as he stood there helplessly. Authorities in the quick-witted town of Gibe told us that they have no clue what the CN is, although town Mayor Lee Fswon said that they had reason to believe that the “N” stood for Nieuwendyk. This news all coming after Lalime apparently had to miss the team’s wind-up spa-day/vegetarian-BBQ with a bizarre sun burn-like mark across the back of his neck. Team doctors have begun holding the red-light in front of him in hopes that it will even up the markings making him less recognizable to Senators’ fans.

Moral of the story: Make sure you chew before you swallow…otherwise you’ll CHOKE