The Portrait of a Hockey Player
Friday, August 04, 2006

Posted by little_gonger

Have you ever sat around scratching your balls and thought to yourself: my god I’m the shit? Lately, I find myself doing that more and more. You see, I’m one of the few lads at school that are proud to keep the cocky hockey player tradition going; in fact I feel like it’s my job. I find each year I go to school the hockey player tradition is declining; now I’m not saying less people are playing hockey, I’m just finding that less and less people are keeping the thrill going. Being a hockey player isn’t just something you can wakeup and be, and its not something you can act out to your friends. Being a true hockey player comes from within, it’s an instinct and a lifestyle that has been passed down through our blood lines. Now I am not talking about the plugs that talk loud at lunchtime so everyone can hear about there night of togetherness drinking “brewski’s” and tossing “gaggers” when the facts are that they drank 2 beer each (probably a colt 45 or cold shots) got buzzed, took a 2 finger pinch and then threw up all over there basement floor and hurried around in a frenzy trying to clean it up before mom and dad came home from working nights in the office. I mean the real boys, the ones that rarely talk about there weekends, the guys that dont need to brag or boast because 10 minutes in to Monday morning class there night is being talked about by every girl, baseball player, geek, prep and teacher in the building. Whether they scored the big goal in OT or picked up the prom queen at the weekend bash, these beauties don’t need to say much – they just do their thing, and their thing just happens to involve being the shit. CONTINUED.

Along with every group of young hockey playing lads, comes a pre-defined label that shadows each one. That’s right, every hockey team or group of the boys has pretty much the same characters that you would find on most honest hockey playing teams across Canada. There’s the hot dog – the guy that comes in with a random goal every now and then, but when he does snipe it he’s pulling the biggest Celly around, riding his stick and fist pumps and always comes by the bench with a big shit eating grin on his face that says “this is why you pay me the big bucks”. The hot dog often tells the story of each of his goals to pick up broads at parties and he has a list with every game, goal, and time of the goal in detail at home, in case anyone is ever interested.

There’s the captain, whether he’s getting the team hyped before the big game, hitting the books or picking up girls, this guy gets respect. The captain is the leader and people want to be around him, whether its wanting to be his D partner or line mate on the ice or wingman off the ice out on the town, the captain is a favorite on the team.

On every team there is one guy everybody hates, this is the team bitch. He fills up water bottles, picks up pucks and gets pissed on in the shower on a regular basis. When girls in school see this guy they often don’t know he’s a member of the hockey team; he’s just that guy – the guy that no girl really knows what to think of him. The team bitch is the weakest wolf in the pack, the one that never gets to eat because all the other wolves bite and snarl at him when he tries.

Ever been at a party just kicking back and you realize you can hear the faint voice of a teammate telling a story to a girl and you wonder to yourself “What hockey team does this kid play for”? Well, that’s Bobby Big Wheel. You hear him telling stories about the game you just come back from. You find it weird that for a guy that had a shift or two a period has so many stories of big hits, fights that ‘almost’ broke out, and goals that were scored because of him. Girls rarely ever fall for this guy, and honestly, why would they? The Bobby Big Wheel is one of the most hated players amongst hockey circles, a true loser of the game of life.

The sniper is a smooth player, he’s got sick dangles on and off the ice, girls love the way this kid can score, and love his looks and smoothness off the ice. You can’t dangle without your stick, and you can’t be a dangler without “wheels”…again, on and off the ice. He is just the clutch player that’s sent out to win games. He is the kid that when your in triple OT and your on a 4 on 3 PP, it’s this kid on the ice --- and if he tries to come off the coach simply sends him back out.

The final role is the one I currently hold on within my hockey circle. Right now, I’ll take you through a small part of my life and how hockey has affected it…..

In my group of hockey buddies, I’m known as the joker. I goof around in school but still get mediocre grades, and I goof around in practice but always get the coaches to smile. Whether we are being bag skated or having the show down shoot out on that last practice before Christmas break, I’m always trying to crack a joke and get a rise out of people. The joker can work in many good ways, albeit we also have bad moments as well. I’m the kind of guy parents have a field day talking about. I know a guy that’s been arrested for theft, break and enter and his parents know about it. This kid’s mom still had the nerve to talk to other parents in the community about me “drinking too much” the week my girlfriend/best friend (R.I.P) passed away.

The minute I do something bad the whole community knows about it. I egged a house once when I was younger, and parents I didn’t know joked around about it with me like they were right behind me on their bicycle. I was arrested for underage drinking when I passed out in some ones yard on my way to a dance and the next day there where stories going around about me breaking into the liquor store and stealing beer. Some parents got it twisted. Some parents have everything twisted and send mixed signals.

Although parents can have a field day with the facts (or not so true ‘facts’) about the joker, there are some upsides, and the true hockey players know what I am talking about without me delving into details.

So, to the real hockey players out there keeping the tradition alive, god speed, and in the morning of a post-party, may your bed be full and your kegs empty. To the true hockey players who when leg pressing at the gym and an instructor comes over and says “You have a really strong lower body, do you play soccer” and you feel insulted and give them the dirtiest look you could ever imagine, keep on training, The more you sweat in practice the less you bleed in battle. Finally for the boys that don’t talk about their weekends at school, know this, the kids that don’t play hockey talk about shit to get everyone’s attention, you don’t need to say a word ---everybody just knows.

You guys are the reason why Baseball is a pastime, Soccer is a sport, and Hockey is a lifestyle.